My Depression Story

For the past month I have been using MySelfHelp.com.  It seems to be a good resource.  I recommend it.

This is a list of the websites and articles that I wish to examine.  I haven’t evaluated them, so some may be good, others may suck. Not sure. That’s why I want to check them out.  If I don’t like one, I’ll remove it from the list.  Once I’ve looked at a site, I’ll put it on my Del.icio.ous feed.

http://amoryn.com/index.html
http://bipolarhead.com/
http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2006/12/my-story-so-far.html
http://buddhism.kalachakranet.org/depression.html
http://christianwomentoday.com/stories_anxietyanddepression/
http://consultantlive.com/topic/Depression/
http://depression.about.com/
http://depression.about.com/od/truestories/True_Stories_of_Depression.htm
http://depression.healthdiaries.com/
http://depressionbookstore.com/
http://digg.com/health/Criteria_for_Depression_Are_Too_Broad_Researchers_Say
http://eqi.org/index.htm
http://griefnet.org/
http://health.msn.com/centers/depression/
http://health.msn.com/centers/mentalhealth/stress.aspx
http://home.avvanta.com/~charlatn/depression/Depression.html
http://living-with-depression.best-depression-blogs.com/2972/
http://mydepressionvictory.com/blog/
http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/index.dtl
http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20040206-000001.html
http://suicidal.com/siteindex/feelings.html
http://superviva.com/about.success.stories.php
http://support4hope.com/depression/index.htm
http://talentdevelop.com/depression.html
http://www.3-minute-depression-cure.com
http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/conditions/item.php?uniqueid=7014&categoryid=40
http://www.abilitymagazine.com/interview_drliberman.html
http://www.accomplishlife.com/categories/Depression/
http://www.allaboutdepression.com/index.html
http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/Coping-With-Depression.htm
http://www.alternativemedicines.tv/condition_451.html
http://www.alternet.org/story/15304/
http://www.asch.net/
http://www.azstarnet.com/sn/110degrees/182680
http://www.beatmydepression.com/
http://www.biopsychiatry.com/
http://www.bipolarhappens.com/
http://www.breadcasters.org/
http://www.calm.com.au/pages/02depression.shtml
http://www.careplace.com/
http://www.changinglivesonline.org/
http://www.changinglivesonline.org/erinpoems.html
http://www.christian-depression.org/cdp/testimony/story.php
http://www.connexions-direct.com/index.cfm?pid=228&catalogueContentID=541
http://www.crazymeds.org/
http://www.creatingfutures.net/depression.html
http://www.cure-your-depression.com/
http://www.cure-your-depression.com/depression_story.html
http://www.cyberpsych.com/
http://www.depressedanon.com/
http://www.depression-guide.com/
http://www.depression-guide.com/index.htm
http://www.depression-primarycare.co.uk/
http://www.depression-recovery-life.com/
http://www.depression.50megs.com/
http://www.depression.oldguy.us/about.php
http://www.depression.org.nz/
http://www.depression.org.uk/
http://www.depressionalliance.org/docs/community/your_story.html
http://www.depressionalliance.org/shop/products/software/bluesbegone/
http://www.depressiondays.com/mystory.html
http://www.depressiondoctor.com/
http://www.depressionet.com.au/
http://www.depressionism.net/
http://www.depressionissues.com/
http://www.depressiontreatmentnow.com/
http://www.emofree.com/Depression/depression-anxiety-greg.htm
http://www.escapefromdepression.com/
http://www.exmormon.org/whylft118.htm
http://www.exmormon.org/whylft56.htm
http://www.experiencejournal.com/depression/index.shtml
http://www.experienceproject.com/
http://www.faithfoo.com/
http://www.fortunechildbooks.com/wisdom/boundlessjoy.htm
http://www.fromthepit.net/
http://www.garagegames.com/blogs/67993/13005
http://www.healingfromdepression.com/bloch-hell-toc.htm
http://www.healingfromdepression.com/my-story.htm
http://www.healthdiaries.com/depression.htm
http://www.healthyhomeopathy.com/pr_default.htm
http://www.hopeway.org/lifehelps/hlp4dep.asp
http://www.howtobeatdepression.com/story.htm
http://www.jaredstory.com/
http://www.journey-to-success.com/depression.html
http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2005/5/16/81428/8007
http://www.ldsdepression.com/
http://www.lifeassess.org/depression/story.htm
http://www.lifescript.com/channels/well_being/index.asp
http://www.maledepression.com/index.php
http://www.maledepression.info/
http://www.mdsg.org/inthenews2001.html
http://www.meditationiseasy.com/tips/depression/index.php
http://www.menalive.com/default.htm
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/
http://www.mentalhealthministries.net/
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=353&cn=353/
http://mhchat.org/
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/depression/story.htm
http://www.mindyourmind.ca/
http://www.moodswing.org/index.php
http://www.mydepressioncures.com/
http://www.mydr.com.au/default.asp?article=2813
http://www.nacronline.com/dox/library/depress.shtml
http://www.nakedmedicine.com/
http://www.option.org/personal_challenges/overcoming_depression.php
http://www.psycheducation.org/mechanism/MechanismIntro.htm
http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/
http://www.psychic-experiences.com/real-psychic-story.php?story=64
http://www.psychologies.co.uk/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/depression.html
http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html
http://www.psyke.org/
http://www.radpsynet.org/journal/vol5/Liebert-Gavey.html
http://www.ragingpistachio.co.uk/depression/
http://www.psychocomic.com/ezin2002/Ezine2002-01.htm
http://www.reiki.org/
http://www.revolutionhealth.com/conditions/mental-behavioral-health/depression/?msc=A16932
http://www.searpubl.ca/depres.html
http://www.selfsteps.com/aff.htm?id=shezz
http://www.serotoninpowerstories.com/
http://www.sexetc.org/story/emotional_health/2041
http://www.shadowvoices.com/
http://www.sleepapnea.org/info/patient/bobstory.html
http://www.somazone.com.au/content.asp?Document_ID=175
http://www.squidoo.com/i_beat_depression/
http://www.stopbadtherapy.com/index.shtml
http://www.stresscenter.com/
http://www.stressdoc.com/
http://www.studentdepression.co.uk/site/index.php?page_id=71
http://www.teamministries.us/kerrie-loneliness-depression.htm
http://www.testingdepression.com/category/feelings-and-emotions/
http://www.the-bright-side.org/site/thebrightside/
http://www.thehealingbridge.org/authors/jonah_whitely/jonah_whitely.html
http://www.thementallyillmentor.com/
http://www.thesamscenter.com/
http://www.thubtenchodron.org/PrisonDharma/vanishing_depression_and_anxiety.html
http://www.topix.net/health/depression
http://www.troubledwith.com/lifepressures/Depression.cfm
http://www.ulifeline.org/page/main/Home.html
http://www.universeofpower.com/building_your_power/depression/
http://www.upliftprogram.com/stories.html
http://www.usmagazine.com/sarah_silverman
http://www.walkers.org/
http://www.zimbio.com/Depression
http://your-health-center.com/isdepression/?id=shezz
https://www.pastors.com/RWMT/article.asp?ArtID=4767

Do I have Bipolar II disorder?  Could hypomania be what I call normal?  This could explain why I feel depressed most of the time. This could explain why Tegretol (carbamazapine) works so well for me.  This could explain why I have rapid cycles.  This could explain why I will stay up really late having a great time and then crash into a deep depression the next day.  If so, I know I don’t have hypomania very often.  

I definitely have depression, but could I also have hypomania but not want to admit it or even recognize it?

Right now, I feel great with lots of energy and moving fast and thinking fast.  Yes, I drank caffeine at lunch, but I actually drank a less than I typically do.  My body hurts, but that is normal.  I think I may need to look at the symptoms of hypomania to discover if this may be what I have.

Although, last night I did get 7 hours of sleep, which is more than each of the previous several nights.  Maybe, I just got a decent night’s sleep.

It’s hard to say what I have, since I believe that the effects of my severe sleep apnea complicate any diagnosis beyond my already diagnosed depression.

• More physical pain than normal - excessively massaging my arms and legs to attempt to relieve the pain
• Lack of focus and concentration
• Fatigue
• Stay up really late before the big crash
• More irritable
• Cry easier
• Moody
• Difficulty making decisions
• Can’t sit still or don’t want to move in extremes
• Stay in bed
• Avoid work
• Avoid people
• Stay awake at night and sleep during the day
• Want to spend money, eat, or do something to avoid or ignore the issues
• Lack of interest in my spouse
• Retreat into my shell and avoid any intimacy
• Don’t want to have conversations
• Difficulty thinking deeply
• Deadening of emotions
• Lack of pleasure
• Lack of motivation
• Easily frustrated with difficult tasks or complex decisions

A few days ago, I discovered the website for Emotions Anonymous.  I wonder how effective such a group therapy like this is for a person dealing with depression.  Can the 12 steps help?  I suppose if the person has hurt others, the organization might very well help.  If the depression is completely internal, I am not sure.  I suppose if the depression was also expressed in anger, then it would seem effective.  Maybe I’ll attend a local meeting to see if it could help me.  I am willing to experiment and discover other forms of therapy that could help.

I am having problems with my sleep.  Not only do I not want to sleep, but when I do sleep, I don’t get quality sleep.  I now know why.  Last month, I went to a sleep clinic and had a polysomnogram.  I was actually diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnea.  I even have problems with central sleep apnea.  Normally, I would go into the sleep clinic again and have for a CPAP titration, but a month ago, I had nose surgery.  I have to wait until my nose fully heals before I can get the CPAP.  In the mean-time, I must wait and remain sleepy.  At least my primary care physician prescribed Provigil, so I don’t fall asleep behind the wheel on my 45 minute drive to work.  I’ve had too many close calls that scared me silly.  I am glad I’ve never been in a wreck due to falling asleep at the wheel, but I’ve come close.

 I firmly believe that this sleep apnea is the cause of my rapid cycling of depression.  My lack of sleep tends to coordinate with my depression cycles.  The antidepressants seem to handle most of the major long-term depressions, but these rapid cycles typically last a couple of days and then go away.

I was talking to my wife today and realized that when dealing with issues, I am rather single-minded.  I can’t deal with more than one problem at a time.  It’s hard for me to focus on both my health and my spirituality, while my health is a primary concern.  Unfortunately, this means that my spirituality suffers.  I wish I had the capability to deal with some of both simultaneously.  Maybe its possible, but I haven’t found a way yet. 

 When I have too many things going on, I feel out of control.  I get stressed.  I get depressed.  The spiral gets worse.

Maybe I need to trust God more and let him help me deal with depression and my health.  Then I may be able to work on both at the same time.  Hmmm…. This might be the answer.

• How are Serotonin and Norepinephrine related to depression?
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
• Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy
• Relationship between Sleep and Depression
• What research is being done currently?
• What is my experience with depression?
• What therapies have worked for me in battling depression?
• What books about depression are useful and informative?
• Which self-help therapies work?
• Medications
• Symptom and Mood Tracking
• What are my triggers?
• Stress and Depression
• What are the long term effects of using medication?
• How effective is computer-based or online therapy?
• How effective is therapy with an online psychologist?
• How do you run and maintain your life while depressed?
• What can I do to prevent or reduce the number of depressive episodes?
• How effective are group therapies in treating depression?
• How effective is mindful therapy?
• How efficacious is neuro-feedback for treating depression?
• How does the spouse of a depressed person feel?
• What can the spouse do to assist a depressed person?
• Genetic predisposition?  What role does heredity play?  Does the behavior of parents play a stronger role in predisposing one for depression?
• What belief windows or values influence your distorted thinking?
• What screening methods are best?  What are their flaws?  How can they be improved?
• Most screening methods are reflective of symptoms that occurred over the past 1 or 2 weeks.  Is there a screening method that measures symptoms daily?  Would such an instrument create more cognitive distortions that aggravate the depression?

Of course, I will also be adding my own experiences with depression.

I needed a place to write my thoughts and feelings.  I have been battling depression for over 15 years and now I want to finally share some of my experiences, some of my thoughts, and some of my questions.